Our Story – Part 6

​The two dry weeks prior to his training course was probably poorly timed. He talked about ways he could avoid the end of day drinking sessions. I think we both knew that was a bit of a pipe dream and the reality once he was there would be very different. 

The reality was different. 

For three weeks I received almost daily messages of how he needed to get back here. To me. To a place where he didn’t drink. That drinking made him an asshole. That I deserved better than drunk him. That he wanted to change and not be like that. 

It’s OK, I said, when you’re back you can try again. Things can be better again. 

I was full of hope. Things were going to be different. Things were going to change. This was really going to happen. And, for 24 hours, things did change. Right up until I went back to work on the Tuesday after his return and he was left to his own devices. 

It was different though. Something in his head had shifted and his behavior regarding his drinking had changed.  There was an embarrassment about it now. Instead of the bottles of rum being left out on the coffee table openly they were now tucked down beside the couch or hidden beside the bed. One night a sat down on the couch next to him right on top of one hidden under a blanket. Not a particularly pleasant experience for my butt, but it triggered the conversation and him admitting he was ashamed by his drinking. 

More recently I have taken a to using a different coping strategy for dealing with it, I have been ignoring it. Not commenting on it. Still looking for bottles and keeping a mental tab of consumption but not questioning or mentioning it. I’m not sure if it’s the best way to manage the situation but it’s given me some breathing space.

Has it helped? Not really. I still find myself living for Sunday’s when there is no alcohol consumption and I get to enjoy my partner sober. 

This last weekend he decided that he needed to take more care of himself. He gave it a good 48 hours effort. Last night he admitted he was feeling withdrawall symptoms but they weren’t as bad as before and he hadn’t been having the hot flushes and problems sleeping like before. I have just received a message from Freddie showing the bottle of rum from this morning, 2/3rds consumed.  Ignoring it is clearly not working. Tonight I am going to try and talk to him about it in the hope that maybe we can get somewhere. 

Maybe we will, maybe we won’t. But unless I try I won’t know. 

Picture source: http://pin.it/5isAZpn

Our Story – Part 5

We’re gonna back up a bit to part way through part four of our story because there was a big dynamic shift with the arrival of one of our mutual best friends back in the country. 

A different friend to the one who left just before attempt one of being dry, one who’d left a lot earlier in the year and was now returning in anticipation of starting school in the autumn. 

Our situation is a little odd. Because we were friends for so long before we started dating our friendship group is almost identical, and we share one of our closest friends. The weirdness works quite well. I’m a talker and like to get my problems and worries out of my head so I talk to this friend. My partner is not a talker so they share a more boy talk style of relationship. 

This friend, we’ll call him Freddie to try and mitigate confusion, knows everything. He has always been my first point of contact when I’ve needed someone to talk to. He is the person I cried over Skype to when I found the self harming for the first time. Who I pour my heart to about how I feel about my partners drinking, what I worry about, what he’s done and what is going on. 

For Freddie to experience what I live through first hand has been eye opening for him. It’s immersed him fully in the day to day reality of the mood swings and couch sleeping. 

One night he struck a deal with him, a no liquor pact. Just beer. This last about a week but it reduced the depressive mood and improved his sleeping pattern. 

For my partner, having one of his best friends around again has definitely helped, they have boy chat about gaming and general banter, it has definitely lifted his spirits. For me, I appreciate the support and the daily updates of what I’m coming home too. It helps me mentally prepare for what I am going to face when I walk in the door. 

Is it a fair situation for Freddie to be living in? Possibly not. But he knew what he was coming back to and he chooses to stay. When he first moved in my partner was still spending 4 days a week at his flat.

Both Freddie and I would love nothing more than for my partner to get back in control of his situation, but we both know we can’t push it. It has to be his decision to change, so for now, we have resorted to keeping our stash of alcohol on Freddie’s room and our fingers firmly crossed. 

Picture source: http://pin.it/KLFDr-C

Out Story – Part 4

My partner doesn’t want to be an alcoholic. It’s a struggle he faces every day. Getting sober is a dream he has but the reality of getting there is a lot harder than I think either of us anticipated. 

Attempt Number 1

Attempt Number 1 followed one of his best friends moving abroad. Literally the day he left. 

This took me by surprise because my partner isn’t very good at talking about how he feels or what affects him so I assumed that we were going to lose a week to heavy intoxication and me not seeing him. 

It was rough. The first week was horrendous. He sweated and shook and couldn’t sleep. He looked ill. 

From talking to my counsellor I understand that what he did was incredibly dangerous and caused a lot of stress on his body. This scared me. A lot. 

After 10 days the drinking started again. He was gutted. Angry at himself. That underlying self-loathing reemerged with a vengeance. 

It’s OK, I said, we knew this was going to be so hard. But now you know you can and that means you can win. 

Attempt Number 2

Following the stumble after attempt 1 he wanted to try again shortly after. 

This one lasted 3 days. There were the same issues with sleeping and shaking and this prompted a return to drinking to get sleep and stop shaking. 

Another period of self loathing began and the drinking continued for a while. 

Attempt Number 3

I read an article about the effect of alcohol on your body after you stop drinking, and, in all honesty, it terrified me. You can read it here.

I genuinely had no idea of how long it takes for your system to clear it out completely. 

I read it to my partner one evening and it shook him. I don’t think we get very well educated on what alcohol can do. It’s such an engrained part of our society. 

This prompted his third attempt at going sober. It wasn’t as rough physically as the first time had been, but it still affected his sleep considerably. 
We took a different approach to this attempt. He asked to stay at mine so that he could break the habit of coming home from work and cracking a beer. To be somewhere different and start a new routine. This proved to help a lot. He’d potter about with the pets and although sleep was an issue he managed to not buy alcohol.

Week two was considerably better though. He slept well. He was active, alert, the vibrant person I love to see. 

Unfortunately this two weeks fell just before he went away on a 3 week training course. A course he didn’t want to go on. And a lot of travelling he didn’t want to do. The day before he left he came home with rum. 

We spoke about the rum, in fact I found out he had it because I asked if he got alcohol cravings like I got nicotine cravings when I quit smoking. 

Yes, he said, and to be honest I’m drinking right now because I don’t know how else to handle the stress I’m feeling today because I don’t want to go away. 

I cried that day. In front of him. I don’t get him see how his drinking affects me very often. I try to keep that all contained. To protect him. In hindsight I don’t think it’s the best way to handle the situation because it makes it look like I’m OK with it. 

Do you have any idea how heart breaking it is watching your boyfriend sit there and just drink a bottle of rum like that? I asked. It’s so sad to see.

Picture source: http://pin.it/HkYlmRc